


From Ashes, We Rise

by daimonas



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Finally, Fluff, M/M, but i wanted to give it a go because i've had this scene circulating in my head for weeks, i've never written dorian before so don't judge me, so here it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 19:02:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9916598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daimonas/pseuds/daimonas
Summary: Fenwyck Lavellan watches the love of his life die in the Fade. He feels the devastation, the loneliness that follows after. When he finds out that it had only been a vision, he can't get over how real it had all felt. He runs away - from his thoughts, his feelings, his heart. But, even after escaping the Fade, the nightmares plague him. He looks for a distraction with Bull, only to be reminded that running away isn't the answer. If he wants to forget his nightmare, he has to face it head-on, or he's never going to find happiness again.





	

During the day, the nightmares cling like leeches to Fenwyck's mind. Try as he might to ignore them, they don't go away. He sees them around every corner, in every dark alcove that he passes. He'll never forget them. He'll never forget how he felt when he saw the love of his life lying dead in the Fade. There are no words to describe the desolation he felt in that moment. It was like the world fell, piece by piece around him, until there was nothing left but him and his dead lover.

He needs to forget that feeling.

Fenwyck opens the door to Herald's Rest and gives himself a moment for his eyes to adjust before heading toward his destination. He knows what he's about to do isn't right, but he needs to forget. Even if just for a moment, he needs to forget that desolate feeling.

He needs to forget.

-

"Bull."

His name comes, timid but hard, from his left. He had seen the Inquisitor come in, had known he was coming to talk to him about something. He turns his head to the Inquisitor, lets his eyes glance down the elf's narrow frame once to assess him. He's nervous about something. To try to ease the elf's nerves, Bull offers a smile and says, "What's up, boss?"

Fenwyck licks his lips, once, then moves to sit in the chair across from Bull. Bull watches him, and waits for him to speak. When he does, he says, "I need a favor."

"Oh?" Bull asks, turning his body so that the Inquisitor knew he had his undivided attention. "And what's that?"

Fenwyck glances away and licks his lips again - a nervous habit that Bull had noticed in the first conversation they had had together. Something was really getting to the Inquisitor this time around. Bull leans forward and says, "Hey, boss. Whatever it is, I have your back."

The elf turns his red eyes back to Bull. His eyebrows are creased together, as if he was debating something in his mind. Bull can tell the moment he decides on whatever he's going to ask because his eyes clear and a slow smirk crosses his lips. He leans forward slightly and whispers, almost so quiet that Bull doesn't hear, "I need a _distraction_."

The way that the elf says it leaves no room for interpretation about what he means. Bull leans back in his chair, slowly, and crosses his arms over his chest. He studies the elf, moves his eyes slowly up and down his body once more. Bull had known that he had been interested in the beginning, but then they had met Dorian, and anything that the Inquisitor had once felt about Bull dissipated in a matter of days. Bull hadn't minded, had even thought it better that way. He wonders what changed his mind.

"Well?" the Inquisitor asks, tilting his head to the side a bit so that some of his red hair falls into his face.

Bull remains quiet. He wants to make sure the Inquisitor is sure about whatever he's doing. It doesn't take long for the Inquisitor to pick up the hint, and Bull watches as his body language changes from playful to sensual. His eyes darken and grow lidded, he bites his lower lip gently. Bull had fantasized what it would be like to see the Inquisitor naked. He has a brief imagining now - the Inquisitor, standing naked before him in the middle of the tavern, letting Bull have his way with him. Bull feels himself stir, but ignores it. He says, "Go up to your quarters. I'll meet you there."

He hears the Inquisitor's breath hitch, and he finds himself wondering what other kind of noises he can draw from the Inquisitor. Fenwyck nods, then stands to take his leave. Bull watches him go.

He remains in the tavern for twenty minutes after. He wants to make sure he gives it enough time that no one remembers the Inquisitor actually heading to his quarters. If any part of this goes wrong, he doesn't want people thinking negatively of Fenwyck.

When he decides it's finally time, he finishes off his drink and stands. He makes his way out of the tavern, up the stairs into the throne room. He tries his best to blend in, and is relatively successful. When at least he reaches the door to the Inquisitor's chambers, he glances quickly over his shoulder to make sure no one is watching and slips inside. He ascends the stairs to the Inquisitor's room, making his footfalls heavy so the Inquisitor hears him coming.

When he crests the stairs, the elf is waiting for him, arms crossed tightly over his chest. "You left me waiting long enough," he scolds.

Bull shakes his head and says, "I'm not sure that you know what you're asking for here. I'm not sure if you're ready for me."

The elf grins, wickedly, and drops his arms as he takes a step toward Bull. "Oh, I'm ready."

"See, you say that," Bull says as the Inquisitor reaches him and puts a hand on his chest. The elf circles, slowly, around Bull, trailing his fingertips lightly over Bull's scarred skin. Bull continues, "But you _really_ don't know what that means."

The elf finishes his circle and moves his eyes slowly up Bull's body. When his eyes meet Bull's again, he steps forward, pressing his tightly muscled body against Bull's own. His voice is heated when he says, "So why don't you show me?"

The words go straight to Bull's cock. He grabs the Inquisitor's hands on his chest and lifts them above his head as he walks him backwards, into the wall behind him. When the elf meets the wall, Bull grinds against him, causing the elf to gasp. Bull wraps his free arm around the Inquisitor's waist and warns, "Last chance."

The Inquisitor glances away for a moment, then looks back to Bull. When their eyes meet again, the elf's eyes are dark, distant. "Fuck me," he breathes.

There's a tone to the Inquisitor's voice that triggers warning bells in Bull's mind. Bull doesn't move.

Everything clicks, then. Whatever this is, it's not about Bull, or Dorian, or any relationship the Inquisitor is pursuing. There's something deeply wrong with the Inquisitor, something that Bull knows he shouldn't help distract the Inquisitor from (as fun as that distraction would have been). He sighs, and loosens his grip on the Inquisitor wrists. The instant he does, Fenwyck's eyes clear, but not the way they should. They're panicked now, and Bull feels a tug at his heart for the elf.

"Where are you going?" Fenwyck asks as Bull takes a step back.

"Listen, boss," Bull says, shaking his head. "I don't know what you have going on in your head, but I know since we've been back from the Fade, something has been messing with you. I know you need help with it, but this - " he says, and gestures between them to emphasize his point. " - this is not going to help you."

Fenwyck's eyes narrow, like he's trying to be angry, but his breath is coming faster, more unsteady. He's scared and Bull doesn't know what to do to help.  

He has an idea though.

"Have you tried talking to Dorian?"

Fenwyck's breath catches. His eyes widen. He shakes his head. _Ah. There it is._

"You should try," Bull says. "I'm not saying that it will automatically fix whatever's happening, but I know you've been avoiding that man like the plague since getting back and that's not fair - to him or to yourself."

Fenwyck's eyes drop and his fists clench. Bull wants to help him, he really does, but there's nothing he could say or do to ease the Inquisitor's troubles. At least he could point him in the right direction.

"It's your call, boss," Bull says, and turns to head down the stairs. "But I really think it would help."

-

Fenwyck listens to Bull leave.

When he hears the door close at the bottom of the stairs, he lets out a cry and turns, punching the wall he had just been leaning against. Pain spikes up his arm, but he ignores it. He probably broke a finger, but that didn't matter.

What matters is how stupid he is.

How could he have _ever_ thought trying to get Bull to fuck him would help him forget? How had he thought that Bull would even go along with it? He was stupid, and weak.

He needs Dorian.

Fenwyck closes his eyes and the nightmare is there, dancing behind his vision. _Dorian, lying crumpled at the Nightmare demon's feet. Broken, bloody, dead._

Fenwyck turns and marches down the stairs. When he reaches the main hall, he sticks to the shadows to avoid attention. He makes it to the stairwell that lesd up to Dorian's room without garnering so much as a glance from anyone. He takes the stairs, two at a time. He needs Dorian.

When he sees him, he freezes.

It's been a fortnight since the last time he's seen Dorian. He had seen him around, yes, but he hadn't really _looked_ at the man.

Dorian is looking at the bookshelf, his face scrunched, like he doesn't like what he's seeing at all. He has a new scar on his shoulder - it's red still, scabbed darkly with new skin. He's thinner, as well, like he hasn't been eating. There are bags under his eyes indicating that he hasn't been sleeping, either.

Fenwyck feels his heart drop.

Swallowing the fear bubbling in his chest, he takes a step forward and says, "Dorian -"

"You have remarkably little here on early Tevinter history," Dorian interrupts. He doesn't look away from the bookshelf as he speaks. "All these 'gifts' to the Inquisition, and the best that they can do is the Malefica Imperio? Trite propaganda. But if you want twenty volumes on whether Divine Galatea took a shit on Sunday, this is evidently the place to find it."

Fenwyck glances at the bookshelf, then back at Dorian. This is not how he imagined their first conversation in weeks going, but he goes with it. "That's the Dorian I know: critiquing every book in my library."

Dorian turns to him, then, and Fenwyck feels his heart stop completely. Dorian's eyes are distant, angry. He says, "I wouldn't have to if you could find some rebellious heretic archivist to join the cause."

Fenwyck swallows, his heart picking back up again. "Are there rebellious heretic archivists? Other than you, that is?"

Dorian's eyebrows scrunch together. "If Corypheus ever starts burning masterworks of literature, I'm sure a few will pop up. Did I see something by Genitivi here?" he asks, his voice losing its anger as he turns back to the bookshelf. "I could have sworn..."

Fenwyck, despite knowing that he's to blame for the estrangement lately, feels himself grow angry. The anger seeps into his voice when he says, "What's this about, Dorian?"

Dorian is quiet a moment before answering.

"When we fell into the chasm, into the Fade..." he closes his eyes, his head dropping heavily. When he speaks again, his voice is thick. "I thought you were done for. I don't know if I can forgive you for that moment."

Fenwyck narrows his eyes. "I didn't open that rift on purpose. Might be handy if I could."

"Certainly!" Dorian says sarcastically, throwing his arm up as he turns back to Fenwyck. "Let's tear holes in the fade all willy-nilly. Historically, that has worked out well."

Fenwyck feels his anger come to a boil and he feels himself about to lash out, but he holds his tongue. He closes his eyes, gathering his thoughts, and when he takes a moment to finally _think_ about what Dorian is saying, he feels a pit open in his stomach. Dorian isn't angry with _him._ He's angry for the very same reasons Fen is - they have both felt what it's like to lose the other, and they're scared.

How could he be so _stupid._

Fenwyck opens his eyes then, and takes a step forward. He lowers his voice when he speaks next. "I'm _here..._ and _alive_ , aren't I?"

"You sent me ahead, and then didn't follow," Dorian accuses, though his voice lacks the anger it had previously held. Now, his voice is sad - thick with the threat of oncoming tears. "For just a moment, I was certain you wouldn't. I thought, 'This is it. This is where I finally lose him forever.'"

Dorian pauses. Fenwyck wants to say something, anything, but he can't think of a word. They're both hurting, have been hurting, and instead of doing something to help the situation, Fenwyck had run away. Guilt rises in his chest, so overpowering that he feels like he's about to choke. He should have _known -_

"Are you... all right?" Dorian asks, taking a step forward.

Fenwyck closes his eyes, and again the nightmare is there. _He sees the demon coming for him and, when he reaches out to slash with his dagger, the demon blinks away. He appears behind Dorian, and Fenwyck only has time enough to scream his lover's name before a claw pierces his chest. Dorian's lips move, but no words come. He sinks to his knees and Fenwyck watches as the claw slides, slowly, out of his lover's chest. Dorian falls forward, dead, and Fenwyck feels the world fall around him._

Fenwyck swallows, trying to banish the nightmare from his mind. He still can't open his eyes, still can't look at Dorian standing - real and alive - in front of him. He speaks, and his voice is quiet. "It was like walking in a nightmare, but everything was real. I couldn't..."

"Ah," Dorian says. "It's as I thought. The Fade is an ordeal under normal circumstances. To be the only real thing there..beyond description. That _any_ of us made it out alive is difficult to believe. That _you_ made it out? A miracle."

Fenwyck hears Dorian take a step forward, feels the mage's fingertips graze lightly through his hair. Dorian cups Fenwyck's cheek with his palm and Fenwyck leans into the touch. Dorian's hand is warm against his skin. _This is real. Dorian is alive, and touching you, and this is real._

_Have you tried talking to Dorian?_

Bull's words cross Fenwyck's mind and he sighs. He feels the fear rising in his chest again - alive and hungry and ready to swallow his mind whole. It threatens to suffocate him and Fenwyck feels his breathing pick up. He can't live like this. Not anymore.

He opens his eyes and lets them move slowly to Dorian's. Dorian is watching him, concern clearly in his features. Fenwyck swallows the fear and whispers, his voice thick, "I saw you die."

Dorian drops his hand from Fenwyck's face and asks, "Is that what's kept you away?"

Fenwyck nods. He debates leaving it there, but knows he won't be able to rest until he explains his reasoning for avoiding Dorian.

"When I left the clan, my biggest fear has always been that I would never be able to go back. I didn't want to leave them, Dorian. I didn't want to be a part of peace talks, or help humans figure out how to stop their petty wars. I was content to live and let live. And then I found myself thrust into a world on the brink of destruction, and I was the only one that could stop it. My fear of never seeing home again grew. It's all I could think about... for a time."

He pauses in his story and turns to walk to the rail around the opening in the center of the room. He leans his elbows on the railing and looks down. He sees Solas kneeling in front of the wall, a paintbrush in hand, adding more to his mural. Fenwyck grins at the sight, then turns back to Dorian, still standing where he had left him. Fenwyck leans back against the railing and crosses his arms over his chest before he continues.

"I thought that was still my biggest fear. When we entered the Fade, that's what the Nightmare demon started with. He showed me my clan, moved on without me, to a place that I would never be able to find. He showed my Keeper, turning her back on me because I had been influenced too deeply by the shems I had been working with. But, as we ventured deeper into the Fade, the visions started changing. They weren't clear at first - I don't think the Nightmare demon really knew what exactly he was searching for in my head. But when we fought him, I think it finally found what it was looking for. It showed me a vision of you dying and I..." he pauses, looks away, and clears his throat. When he turns back to Dorian, the mage is stepping forward, closing the distance between them. When he's finally right in front of Fenwyck, close enough that their toes are touching, Fenwyck looks Dorian in the eyes and says, "I realized then that my biggest fear isn't never being able to see my clan again... My biggest fear is never seeing _you_ again."

Dorian's eyes widen a moment in shock, but a slow smile spreads across his face when the shock of Fenwyck's statement wears off. He says, "Of course it is. Have you met me? I would be afraid of losing me, too, if I were you."

Fenwyck rolls his eyes, but finds himself smiling. "You're ridiculous," he says, and places a quick kiss to the mage's lips. "But that's why I love you."

The words hang, thick in the air, between the two men. Fenwyck feels his cheeks warm and he glances away, cursing himself. He hadn't mean to say them. They hadn't even really _talked_ yet about a relationship, other than the brief kiss they had shared after meeting with Dorian's father. _Why do I always mess things up?_

Dorian touches Fenwyck's cheek lightly, bringing Fen's gaze back to him. Fenwyck watches as the mage leans forward and presses his lips against his own. When their lips touch, Fenwyck lets his eyes drift closed. He wraps his arms around Dorian's neck, holding him close.

And, though Dorian doesn't say anything back, the words are still there - in the air around them, in their kiss, in their hearts. _I love you._

_I love you, too._

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said in the tags, I've never written Dorian before, so outside of what's said in canon, I don't know if I got his characterization right. Please let me know what you think! Comments and kudos are appreciated. <3
> 
> If you're not already, follow me on tumblr! http://lunaahawke.tumblr.com


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